Funny Sunday

Picasso was once asked if he ever borrowed ideas from other artists. He replied disdainfully: Only amateurs borrow - professionals steal.

Alas, I stole this piece from RantinRab.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

And in the southern hemisphere...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

The Government will be afraid of its People

I did not intend to write a blog entry today, I am in the middle revision for my exams (Yes, sadly I am student at the height of my career as a professional student and by that virtue exams exams and some more exams). I should say something about the digusting behaviour that has been displayed over the past day at the mother of all parliaments, I should and I could, but I would rather not for it has been reiteraded better elsewhere notably by Douglas Carswell and Daniel Hannan.

Slightly populist to mention these two politicians but there are few other that I care to honour with a mention in this blog. Simply because most of them make me so disappointed and sad (very emotional this stuff) makes me wonder why Cromwell even bothered to say

“we study the glory of god, and the honour and liberty of parliament, for which we unaminously fight, without seeking our own interests....i profess i could never satisfy myself on the justness of this war, but from the authority of the parliament to maintain itself in its rights; and in this cause i hope to prove myself an honest man and single-hearted.”

When today most of his work is being overturned, reversed, backtracked and simply deleted by that loathesome class of people that dare to put "MP" behind their name but challenge other professions, such as engineers, to have their title alleviated to a higher foundation - at least they have earned their title, what have politicians, with notable exceptions, done to earn their "MP"?

Consider for example military officers. They go through very hard training to become what they are; forceful leaders who can, in the heat of battle, stay cool and deliver orders to fufil a victory for their country and men. As a soldier you must recognise this in the form of a salute. It is not some old form of dusty gesture, invented by the likes of Napoleon or Caesar, it is an honour that shows them that you, as an officer, deserve to have that special distinction because of who you are not what you are. You are an officer but with that creed comes great integrity not to say honesty. But the most important thing is that you should never ever expect a salute you have to earn it from your men. Yes, they must by military code salute you when walked past but they do not have to mean it. Soliders are told to call Officers and Warrant Officers "sir" but only a handful of them truly attach any form of significance to their utterances.

Which leads us to the politicians. There are some truly vile people out their who brandish "MP" behind their name, whom I wish nothing short of death for, but being a democrat, I could never stoop that deep as to truly wish my enemy the sword. But it is not my intentions that matter it is my opinion of said man or woman that matters.

We still abode in one of the finest countries on the planet, we still have a parliament which is open and wanting for some real practitioners. Lady Westminster is currently like a burned out old truck, lying ditched by the road side, inhabited by rats and vermin, frogs and leeches - all the unfortunate creatures who did not have the fortune of mother Nature to be blessed with the beauty of the Eagle or the dashing of Pelican. Trucks can be fixed, there are some mighty skilled Mechanics out there despite the shameful shape of our manufacturing industry, who would be more than happy to take this truck, tow it to the garage and with time doing her up again and making her just as new as when she first rolled out of the factory all those years ago. In fact, I hear, some restored vehicles are even better than when they were first introduced to the world. There is not reason why we cannot perform this kind of mechanical miracle upon Lady Westminster ourselves.

But before anything, before we buy the new paint the new wheels and of course the hub caps - we have to flambé the truck, everything that is in it, so that nothing is left but the bare metallic skeleton and from this we shall make the new truck, with the old drawings of course, and she will be grand truly grand. Believe me.